Love That Moves the Sun & Other Stars

I said we’re gonna talk about the stuff no one else wants to talk about – the muddy struggle of an obstacle course of challenges that is life sometimes. So, where do I even begin? My deteriorating love life? My up-in-the-air excuse for a professional career? Or we could review the mental-health battles I overcame this year, after a rough few years of figuring that *ish out.

Sometimes you just gotta drink about it…

I already briefed over my current career situation, and while it hasn’t really gotten much more promising, I’m not stripping to pay my bills (yet. kidding.). Since society places much a woman’s value on her ability to be a good wife and mother, let’s start with how I’m on track to fuck all of that up. I’m going through a break-up with my long-term boyfriend. We not only live together and have a dog together, but we’ve both talked openly and seriously about our future – together. Except, now, at the ripe old age of 27 (which is basically 700 in ovary-years) I’m thinking we need some time apart.

It’s a classic damned-if-I-do-and-damned-if-I-don’t situation. I’m a “typical millennial,” buying a new house because I don’t want to change a light bulb. I’m expecting love and relationships to come easy, I’m not willing to put in the work, I’m expecting too much from someone. I’m selfish, my standards are unrealistic, and I’m too much of a choosy bitch if I leave.

And if I stay? Then I’m selling myself short, settling for less than I deserve… I can’t ever be honest about the struggles of a relationship because struggling relationships are something I should fix or leave already. I’m giving up my freedom, falling right into the societal trap, and giving up all of the what-if possibilities of Eat-Pray-Loving around the globe.

I know I began this with the promise of candid honesty, but it’s not fair to the amazing man that is ManFriend to share our personal drama in such a public way. (I’ve had an ex write a scathing blog post about me and, eek, I would not wish that on someone else). The truth of the matter is, he is an amazing and incredible person. For the past 2+ years of my life, I have seriously planned my life to intertwine with his, and have looked forward to our life together. I still want nothing more than to spend a future with the ManFriend I fell in love with during a drunken National’s baseball game one late summer day in DC.

But at this very moment, I am lonely and hurt and my cup is empty. I need to take some time to do some soul searching, and to give someone else some time to soul-search in their own way. It’s hard. Way hard. It’s so tempting to just stay in my comfortable zone, with someone I love and care about… It’s in no way the easy decision to take time away from my best friend, my dog-child, my boyfriend, and my home. So, why?

Because sometimes we get those feelings deep in our guts and in our heart of hearts, that we just need to do this thing. It’s the same way I knew deep inside me that I needed to quit my soul-sucking job, and the same way I just knew what sorority to pledge. It’s like we’ve been trying so hard to jump over a fence holding hands, and finally realized if we each walk a narrow path single file we will come to a gate and can meet on the other side. I just know that as hard as this is, it’s necessary, and that however the future will play out, I need to persevere through this route to get there.

Send Ben & Jerry’s (Cherry Garcia) and sappy country love songs, and pizzas, and don’t ask if I’m sick when you see me and my eyes are like puffy lizard eyes. If heartbroken is an illness, then yep, I’ve got it bad. Don’t be upset if I don’t wanna snuggle your dog or if I want to pay more attention to your dog than you. Don’t take it personally if I decide to spend my weekends 6.5 seasons deep into Friends on Netflix, in my bed of self-pity and blanket burritos, trying to ward off the 4,598 worst-case scenarios of how I will end up an alone, spinster hippie meth addict with a serial killer boyfriend who also leads a double life as a married gay man. Real life is hard, guys. It’s time we actually acknowledged that, instead of thinking love is all cute swan-float Instagram photos.

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